The night is set, the weather is beautiful, and your plans are solidified.  Meet up for a casual drink then grab dinner with your date.  You met during that brief exchange last weekend, and first impressions have led you to think this could really light that barn full of fireworks.  You tell those butterflies in your stomach to simmer, it’s just a first date… be yourself, relax, and have fun!

Then it happens…  you find your mind jumping between the green shrubbery that’s strategically wedged between their teeth, their incessant need to use the word “like” in every sentence, and the laugh which flashes the word ‘hyena’ in your mind.

The night is quickly racing up the charts on the worst dates you’ve ever encountered.  Game-time decision… cash in the chips and cut the night ASAP.

You could try the tried and true methods, get a friend to call you and fake an emergency.  Cliché…  but works.  Gracefully bow out at a reasonable hour and claim you have an early morning.  This is probably your safest and cleanest break to the night.  Just remember, ending it politely can still require you to endure a few more calls and texts before they get the hint.

Or you could try to turn the tables, turning yourself into the nightmare and walk away with a great story.   At the very least, you could entertain yourself while being stuck in between the appetizers, your terrible date, and the main course.  Here’s a few ways to get the job done…

Fake seeing an ex

Pretend that crazy ex who keyed your car or still hangs outside your apartment is following you.  Pick an innocent bystander and lay the groundwork for the story.  Remember, the crazier you paint the ex, the more clout you have to book.

Play games with your history or future

I didn’t know you were in the circus!  And I bet you didn’t either!   Give yourself odd jobs or be raised by gorilla’s in Africa.  Join the Peace Corps next month, take a 2 year backpacking journey through Europe, or move to Russia to be their next vodka taster.  The world is your oyster.

Give yourself a nervous tick

Start bobbing your head at odd moments.  Flail your left arm every five minutes.  The more outrageous, the better your odds this person will not want to spend much longer with you.

Turn yourself into a psycho

“So the wine tastes good?  Wonderful… I think we should get a dog.”  Become that stage five clinger we all dread.

Houdini

Now I have a friend that once pulled this off.  It’s a sheer run for the door with no signal of advanced warning.  Like the great magician, pull off the greatest trick of all time and just disappear.  Best bet is when you get a break while the other person is in the bathroom.  Drop some money for the dinner and high-tail to the door.  Freedom never tasted better.

You gave it a shot, and you know that this situation is clearly not going to work.  Wrap up the show with a little fun next time and become a legend with your friends.  If all else fails, at least you still have your dignity intact!