Enter: The Phase Out

The phase out occurs when you gradually remove this person from your life.  Like a dying heartbeat, the tempo and rhythm of the short lived relationship pace themselves slower and slower.  Text messages become ‘no-response’ statements instead of questions and phone calls become a rare gem.  While there is nothing you can do on the receiving end of a phase out (dust yourself off kid and get back out there!), there are a couple keys when implementing it so you don’t come off as a complete jerk (or bitch).

1. Have a plan – Once you decide that watching paint dry is more entertaining than this person, commence the phase out and stick to it.  Start hitting the brakes and slow that train down.
2. Keep it gradual - Slow and steady wins the race (or in this case, douses the flame).  Draw out the texts and ease up on the calls.  Baby steps.
3. Avoid weekend dates – If you’re going to hang out, hang out during the week.  Weekends are prime real-estate, and you don’t want to play with fire after drinking… which leads to…
4. Don’t have a sleep over – This just resets the clock at zero.  Everytime you get it on between the sheets, it sends a signal to the other person you’re in it to win it.
5. Axe the late night calls and drunk texts – “What you up to?” at 2am isn’t as innocent as your drunk mind convinces you.  Have a little restraint or else you’re back at square one and just extending the phase out.

Whatever your opinion of the phase out might be, it’s still a tactic that is used in the streets of Chicago and many other cities around the globe.  Do you phase out?  Have you been phased out?  Share your thoughts in the comment section!

This leads to meeting many different kinds of people… tall, short, strange, beautiful, different races, religions, ethnicities, and so on…  Which helps us create a mental checklist of things we want and don’t want in a potential partner.

Straddling the line of staying in the game and being kicked to the curb, lies the deal-breakers.  With so many options, which breakers are valid, and which are part of your own neurosis?

The Core Checklist

These are the mainstay of your livelihood.  Whether its religion, family values, or perhaps even race, nothing is going to shake the roots of this tree.  Keep these values strong and do your best not to waver from them.  Dating is hard enough as it is without having huge looming back-breakers tracing your mind on a daily basis.

Even though one could be open minded, both parties must have their heads and hearts open in order for this to have a shot.

If she’s a hardcore Catholic, and he’s a practicing Muslim, realize that both of you aren’t going to be praying to the same forces when the Cubs are down by a run.  Like the wailing baby on an airplane, the core checklist is difficult to ignore, even if you blast your Ipod, you’re still killing your ear-drums.

The Adaptables

So she doesn’t like the savoring glory that is Taco Bell, and he’s Big Foot’s long lost cousin with that sweater he calls hair.  While these tribulations may be more annoying than the old lady’s purse that’s digging into your side on a packed El to work, you have to learn to let it sliiiiiiiide!  Give the situation a second glance before you execute your decision to kick them out the door.

Adaptables are called such because you can adapt to them!  Ease up and you may find that even if she’s a valley girl who says ‘like’ every other word, and he has excessively sweaty palms, that good could outweigh the bad.

You could even get used to it and find it to be one of the things you really enjoy about the other person.

The X-factors

“His nose hairs are scraping my face when we kiss.”

“She wears so much makeup, I feel like I’m dating Bozo the clown’s daughter.”

Neither of you are perfect, get over it.  The X-factors are the little things that can be adjusted over time.  While they may be glaring problems to kick it off, they’re usually more problems in your head than they are in reality.  If they chew with their mouth open, a disguised joke saying that food looks better after they’ve chewed it, and boom… problem solved.

Deal-breakers will always be part of the dating arena.  It’s a huge multi-headed beast which you must face on your journey.  If you don’t realize you’re being overdramatic, you could find yourself in a boat alone; missing that perfect soul that may exist… but is just a little disguised.

Don’t $hit where you eat.

Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water….  wait… that last one didn’t make any sense.

Everyone says that it is a terrible idea to date a co-worker.  Obvious reasons include if they go psycho on you, you have no where to hide.  Maybe it’ll change the work dynamic and make it terribly awkward for you and the rest of the office.

It could also end up putting your ‘feel goods’ in a vice if one of you gets promoted and has to deal with not only who wears the pants in the relationship, but now the office as well.

Even though it’s frowned upon, it happens all the time.  Spending hours upon hours a day with someone that you’re even mildly attracted to can make your mind wander to that dirty gutter that flows so freely.

If you do decide to venture down this much traveled path, just remember a few things:

Keep it discreet – Don’t be Ron Burgandy from Anchorman — Ron: Veronica Corningstone and I had sex, and now we are in LOVE!!  Did I say that loud?  Friend: Yeah, you pretty much yelled it.

Don’t be together at work - No one wants to be the third wheel… especially at work.  Keep your hands to yourself and keep the love notes and emails to a minimum.  Companies have the ability to monitor everything from phone calls to emails.

Keep your co-workers out of it – Having an issue because she won’t let you play golf this weekend?  Don’t air it out on your cube-mate.  The last thing you want is gossip, lies, and the entire water cooler talk to be about your relationship.  Talk to your non-work friends for advice.

If it ends, be mature – Don’t mold her stapler in Jello or fill her cube with styrofoam peanuts.  Act like it didn’t happen and get over it quickly.  Keying her car in the parking lot isn’t going to make her love you, so walk away…. just… walk away.

You’re at WORK - Focus… you can’t pay the bills by flirting your day away (I’ll leave any responses to this for another blog).

It’s such a natural progression that it’s something that it’s a bridge that everyone crosses at some point.

Regardless what people tell you, this is always going to occur, so just be careful if you do it.  Who knows, if all goes well, you guys could be the next Pam and Jim from the Office!

So what’s next?

Besides the sometimes awkward exchange in the morning, trying to remember their name, or possibly floating on cloud nine (or stumbling across it), one might often wonder… does this have any real potential?

Even though you may have had a glorious night filled with romantic moments and amazing conversation.  The stake has been firmly planted into the ground.  The future is now.

This day and age we lived in a push-button, fast paced, always on the go environment.  And because of your suave moves and fatal attraction, the relationship will never be able to build appropriately due to the pressure cooker that shot off before it had a chance to cook.

There are many different levels that a relationship thrives on… emotional, intrinsic, physical, etc.   If the physical aspect rears its head before anything else starts, that can throw a serious wrench in the rest of the situation.

Even if the sex is crazy good, leaving footprints on the walls and forcing you to re-install the swinging light fixture, it’ll be too difficult to get the rest of the levels back on track because you’ll only be thinking about one thing… getting down and dirty.

So depending on what you’re looking for out of this person, slam on that accelerator, or begin the act of pleasure delaying.  Waiting can be one very tough play to execute, especially if the chemistry is off the charts.

Or just go with the flow and get it over with… just don’t forget to wipe the walls down after you’re done.

Somewhere between that Architecture tour and dyeing the river green on St. Patrick’s Day, you’ve seen people floating down the river where it seems they have no business floating.  I’m not referring to dead bodies that the mob disposed (cement, remember?), I’m referring to the happy go lucky people floating in kayaks.

This week’s date idea is kayaking.

Let’s break it down:

Pro’s

Unique - This isn’t your typical dinner and drinks date.  Something fresh will keep you both on your toes, even if you’re both beginners.
Active – You may not break a sweat, but it’s still something that will get you pumping some of those muscles to keep you moving.  If you’re the outdoors type, it’s a great litmus test to see if your date will be fun and along for the ride, or will drag her heels and drop and anchor with her attitude.
Teamwork – Getting a tandem kayak will get you guys communicating on where you need to go and how you need to get there.  It’ll get you talking and hopefully jet-set you on getting on the same wavelength.

Con’s

Inactive person - Your date could be as active as my fish who does a great impression of the dead man’s float.  If she’s not having fun, you’re not going to have fun.
No chemistry test - Not having any real close interaction is going to make it tough to decipher if you have any real chemistry.  Of course you’re going to want to build that sexual tension, so make sure whatever is lined up next will allow the two of you to move a little closer.
Short - Places in the city rent kayaks by the hour, so even if you do decide to rent for a few hours, it’s still a pretty short date.  Like I just mentioned, just make sure you have a plan of attack on the next destination.

Even if this isn’t the best first date, it’s definitely a good option after you’ve gone out a few times.  Something new, something fresh, and it gets you outside and working together.  Just make sure you don’t tip the kayak…

Here are a couple places you can book your kayak – Kayak Chicago, Chicago River Paddle, Wateriders

Overall 3/5 stars

Been on a good date recently?  Post it below!

Which should you do?  What’s the better move?  Did you have to eat chili for lunch?  All valid questions… let’s take a closer peek.

Your group

Pro’s - You want to go where everyone knows your name.  Go ahead, sing that Cheers theme song in your head… you can curse me later.  Playing at home is much easier, you look comfortable and feel like a rock star.  Your friends will all take turns asking her questions, so you’ll get a feel for whether she’s the type to take the challenge head on and befriend everyone, or be the quiet wallflower waiting for you to hold her hand.  Either way, it’s a great way to find out a little more about her.

Con’s - Remember the story where you woke up naked in your friends bed between him and his girlfriend?  So do all of your buddies.  Your friends may start digging out stories about you that you may not want to be public knowledge.  Whether it’s the secret alcoholism or the Star Trek convention that you attended last weekend, it’s all fair game to them because they love you for it.  One on one time will most likely be kept to a minimum as well.

Her Group

Pro’s - You get to see the interaction between her and her friends.  Are they chill and want to play board games at Gurthrie’s?  Are they having a classy night at Martini Park?  Or are they joining the mayhem that’s known as the Hangge Uppe at 4am?  You’ll be able to tell a lot of different aspects of her personality by how she acts around her friends.

Con’s - You’re going into the belly of the beast without a weapon except the clothes on your back.  Her friends could grill you until you crack, so you’re going to have to play it cool.  Every one of her friends will be eyeing you up and down.  From the way you talk, walk, and dress, every aspect of you is under scrutiny to make sure you’re good enough for one of their own.  The fact that you have no comfortable shoulder to lean on (which is why you ALWAYS bring a friend) could be devestating if they start talking about shoes and nailpolish while you’re stuck in the corner staring at flickering ESPN highlights.

For the first group hangout session, always go for home court advantage.  Tell your buddies to can the skeletons for a little while longer and sit back and relax.  If you are forced to go into the lion’s den, make sure you bring a buddy along.  That way you have a solid ally in case they box you out early on.  Only if you’re a very social person who doesn’t mind being out numbered and juggling multiple personalities should you venture out alone.  Saddle up and ride smart!

I received this forward the other day and it’s too funny not to share.  This was apparently written by little kids (and my thoughts).

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

“You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.”

• Alan, age 10 (don’t forget beer pal)

“No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.”

• Kristen, age 10 (my dating a religious person article is for you)

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

“Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.”

• Camille, age 10

“No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.”

• Freddie, age 6 (have fun at that star trek convention)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

“You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.”

• Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

“Both don’t want any more kids.”

• Lori, age 8 (that’s your fault princess)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

“Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.”

• Lynnette, age 8 (you mean if you stop talking long enough)

“On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.”

• Martin, age 10  (you are going to be fine kid…)

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

“I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.”

• Craig, age 9 (I should add that to my ending a bad date list)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

“When they’re rich.”

• Pam, age 7 (*cough*gold digger*cough*)

“The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.”

• Curt, age 7

“The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.”

• Howard, age 8   (can you say “child support”?)

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys.  Boys need someone to clean up after them.”

• Anita, age 9  (slut)

WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?

“There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?”

• Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is……..

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

“Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.”

• Ricky, age 10  (I couldn’t have said it better myself)

“I love him, but I’m not in love with him.”

“We have such a long history, there is no separating us, he will be in my life forever.”

Any of these sound familiar?

It’s in the back of your mind and you just can’t seem to shake it loose.  It’s not as if you’re talking to any of your ex-girlfriends anymore.  Every girl that has been in your past, has quietly bowed out with her time.  There are no phone calls, there are no text messages, and there surely aren’t any thoughts that pass through your head which incline you to reach out to them.

Her situation is quite the opposite.

The ex she dated for a number of years is still prevalent in her mind.  Like the bothersome canker sore, ‘never’ in your book would be the most convenient time for him to come around.  He’s the guy she goes to for advice, so the question always lies, is he for you?  Or against you?  Should you even care?   Should you give her an ultimatum?

Not if you want to be the guy she goes home with at the end of the night.

The best friend ‘ex’ can be very annoying and could spark questions of trust in your mind.  Squash these fears quickly, for you’re only heading down a path that will lead you home empty handed.  A relationship is built on trust, and you need to ante up if you plan on playing the table.

Even if she is talking to him, take a step back and look at the whole situation.  At the end of the night, in whose bed is she sleeping?  Realize that she is now with you, and her past is nothing you can change, nor control.

Don’t try to be his replacement, just let the relationship grow naturally and eventually you’ll be the confidant and white knight all rolled into one.  That, and you won’t look like a control freak who is trying to run her life.

Have confidence in yourself and your relationship, it’s what she’s looking for in a guy who is Mr. Right.

Before you know it, you’re being asked to hold their nephew’s legs at the Bris, or you’re hauled off to church in order to absolve your sins.

There is nothing wrong with following your faith if it makes you happy.  But what’s the path to righteousness if you’re not religious and the person you start dating is their respective religions favorite customer?

Hand in your exit interview and bow out gracefully.

The last thing you’re going to want is someone telling you you’re going to Hell for your sins or that you need to pray five times a day to Allah.

This is one of the deal-breakers that you need to pay attention towards early on in a relationship

Before you drink the holy Kool-aid, you should realize the responsibility that comes along with dating someone who is very religious.  Religion to them is a top priority, if not the number one in their lives.  You’ll need to respect it and learn to live with it (in some cases even convert to it).

If you’re not prepared to do this, the person you’re seeing may not be the best match for you.  Some religious people won’t even date outside of their realm, so if you somehow creeped in the door, the odds are already stacked against you.

While some people are neither here nor their with their respective beliefs, the hardcore crowd will always have their heat turned on full blast when it comes to their faith.  Don’t knock it, respect it, and quietly move along if it’s not your thing.

It’s your safest, and holiest, way of traveling.

A birthday.

If only it were back in the good old days.  Gather all your friends for cake and ice cream, smack around a pinata filled with candy, and play some pin the tail on the donkey.  Even if you pinned that elusive donkey’s head, you still go home at the end of the day satisfied and smiling.

Now, its a delicate game of thin ice.  Too many marbles, and the house comes falling down.  Too few, and she’ll wonder if you’re even interested in playing the game.

Since you’re still playing the getting to know you game, buying her anything big and serious is out of the question.  Jewelry, clothing, or anything else too meaningful is a big risk.  You don’t want to come off as a desperate guy who is going to buy your way into her life.

Not only that, if you misfire on a meaningful gift, you have a chance of causing more damage than good.  No one uses things they don’t like, no matter the price tag.

Getting nothing or simply a card is also a no-no.  Ignoring the princess on her special day is no way to be her prince.  Her crown is going to be nice and shiny on this big day, so make sure you’re doing something to acknowledge its presence.

There is one key word that will help you through this: perishable. And no, I’m not talking about a bunch of bananas or a carton of milk.

Getting her presents like chocolates, flowers, or even a nice dinner is the best play in your arsenal.

Why perishable you ask?

The relationship is still new and you may not even be sure it is a relationship.  You want to get something that will brighten her day for the moment, firmly planting your flag that you’re wishing her an amazing day, then you’re allowing the buzz to wear off as the day rolls on.

By getting her a present that has a finite shelf-life, you’re not risking making the relationship seem long term right off the start, and you become the sweet charmer that’s thoughtful.  She also won’t look at the present two years from now and call you the chump she talked to for two weeks and bought her $200 worth of Victoria’s Secret effects.

Keep it simple, make it count, and most of all, make sure it lasts as long as Dennis Rodman on Celebrity Apprentice.

Oh, and don’t forget that card!